Dear friends,
We were still walking down the hall towards his office when my doctor asked the question I have been waiting for.
"So are we done?"
"Yes! I am done! I am declaring it!"
I guess I didn't have to wait for his permission after all.
"You are smiling so big," he said.
I giggled. "I am so happy."
Though our appointment was short (the way my checkbook likes it), we accomplished some great things. First, he said that I am now done with intensive treatment. I am not done, however. I must maintain a healthy lifestyle, which basically means that I sleep, rest and exercise. I should probably eat well, too. Second, he ordered me to stop taking all my supplements except for these: probiotics for two more months; half my dosage of ashwaganda for the next month, and then stopping if I'm doing well; and half my dosage of the thyroid medicine for the next month, and then stopping if I'm doing well. In regards to ashwaganda, I will know that I'm doing well when I feel the same amount of energy. In regards to the thyroid medicine, I will know that I'm doing well when I do not have an intolerance to cold temperatures. Furthermore, we talked about the coil machine. I told him that I have decided that I wish to do something else with my money that I feel is more important at the moment, so I am going to hold off on buying the machine.
"So I want to talk to you about your options from here on out," he said. "Based on what we know has worked and not worked with people who have formerly gone into remission, you have three choices. First, you can do nothing and wait and see. If the Lyme comes back, contact us asap and we'll get you back into intensive treatment. Do not wait. The good news is that you should respond just fine.
"The second and third options are akin to having HIV/AIDS. Now I don't mean to scare you with this -"
"- Oh, no, I get it," I interrupted.
"The second option is that you take antimicrobials (or in the case of HIV/AIDS, antivirals) for the duration of your life."
"You mean, forever?"
"Yes. You could do this herbally, by either taking Cat's Claw (also known as Samento) or Cumanda. You would take 20 drops twice per day."
"And the third option?"
"The third option is that you would take one antibiotic, such as Biaxin or Zithromax or Minocycline every day for the rest of your life."
"OK." I paused, looked to the floor, then looked up. "What do you suggest?"
"When did you get Lyme?"
"Four years ago to the day yesterday. That's when I got the symptoms."
"And when did you begin treatment?"
I hesitated. "Well, I, I - a naturopath diagnosed me two-and-a-half months in, but all she did was put me on herbals that just minimized the symptoms. I was on that for about five months and then stopped. It wasn't until I saw my old doctor that I started antibiotics, which was two years ago almost to the day."
"If you had gotten treated within a year of becoming symptomatic, I would suggest that you could do nothing. But since you were treated outside that window, I suggest that you take an antimicrobial. They are not cheap, but -"
"It's OK. I'll do it. And I have taken Cat's Claw a few times before, so I am used to it."
My doctor picked up his laptop to begin typing up his notes. He spoke them out loud: "Done treating for now - no! - I'm going to 'X' that. Done treating!"
After a few months of contemplation, I have decided to end this blog. I have hesitated with this decision - nearly reneging on the idea - because I love to write and I love to share this weird story of mine. Every now and then even, I will go back and read these small pieces of history; often it feels like I'm reading them for the first time, as if someone else had been in my shoes. But, nope, it was me. Or rather, it was the Father, Son and Holy Spirit in cahoots to do something unfathomable, at least according to our naked eyes.
Four years ago, I could never have imagined that I would be this sexy: with my cheeks aglow, with a skip in my step, with arms and legs that move freely. I could never have imagined to have friends who ask to celebrate with me. I could never have imagined how "powerful" I have become, as a friend keeps telling me. And I could never have imagined that life is pleasant and fun and...good.
Yes, good. While I have grown in ways too many to count, one of the main ways I have come into a fuller understanding is that people are good. So are our bodies and the earth and our minds. We are beings whom God made in Their own image. And in the beginning, They called us "very good." But due to the fall of mankind, we have made choices to follow our own idols. For me, I have a few: I am "very stubborn," according to several friends; I am a perfectionist; and I run away from relationships when they get scary. The "very good," then, has been grossly hijacked.
Recently, I have told a few friends that I never thought I would be well. In fact, I fully expected to be ill for the rest of my life. "Then why even try?" Paul asked me. "I guess I am a fighter," I said. "I gave up everything I had into fighting this." Truly, the aggressor in me shows: I am "very stubborn"; I am a woman fighting for meaning; and I am fighting to be here. Sure, I have done a pretty good job of running from my problems, but that's one fight I hope I never win.
So I fully hoped, yet, I fully had to stop expecting. I had to stop telling it what and when and where and how. I had to stop thinking just how much it would really take, and I had to let go of how much money it would cost. I had to stop thinking I knew better.
And, yet, I did know better. I know my body better than anyone else. I know what I can handle, what I can eat, what my temperament is, how my story has been written. If I want to admit it, I even know what I feel and what I want. If is key.
A few weeks ago, Grant asked me why I spoke about Lyme as if it was my life, that it defined who I am. Of course, I became upset by the question and in the ensuing conversation, but after thinking about it, my prayer for me and for everyone who experiences any kind of lengthy suffering is that we would see ourselves as God's image-bearers. We were made good. God did not make a mistake. I don't know why you struggle with what you do, but I do know that They do not waste our pain. Your story is meant to be shared. With God, yourself, others. Because this I know: all will be well. All will be well.
A.
[Thank you thank you for walking with me these past two years. Your readership, encouragement, love and prayers have absolutely kept me going when all I wanted to do is wither away and die. So while I am sad to discontinue sharing this weird story in this context, I am not going far. In fact, I hope to be popping up again soon. In light of that, this blog will remain "live" indefinitely, and you may continue to email me. I would love to hear from you! If you so incline, I am on Facebook, so feel free to "friend" me and please let me know you are a reader. Unfortunately, my status updates are quite vague and will remain that way. Bummer for you; funny for me. Still, perhaps you will find me posting news on here from time to time. I promise to be more direct.
Last but not least, my prayer for each one of you is that you would just go, that you would experience movement, growth, health, joy, peace and meaning. I believe in the resurrection: that Christ took our infirmities to the cross and that He conquered all sin and brokenness there. He rose! He is alive! Thus, He/She/It is truly worth engaging with. It really is spectacular for me, and I hope the same for you, too. Love love.]
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