Afraid to Fail

Dear friends,

My friends would say that I am a planner. I am a responsible person who pays her bills on time, makes sure she stocks up on medicine for a two months out, and shows up early to her appointments. It's true that there have been more than a few times in my life when I have gotten completely overwhelmed by the decisions I have had to make. I fret about making the right decision at the right time in the right way.

My lifestyle in the last year has made a dent in the planner personality in me. For one, I am involved in very little, which limits the decisions I have to make. I'm not kidding - besides the treatments and doctor appointments I go to, I really don't have to be anywhere most days. I have engaged with fewer people, limited the amount of stressful situations I get into, and spent more time alone with myself than ever. I rather like this life. It's easier (which speeds up my recovery), and it is quite lovely. I can't tell you how many people I have met, how much beauty I have experienced, how much I have grown as a person. I'm going to miss this period of my life.

For the last three months or so, I have been considering my future, that is, what I will be doing once I graduate in May. This brings up many questions and emotions for me: What should I do? and Where will I go? But the biggest question I have is, Will I be healthy enough to go back to work? Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I worry that I won't be able to work, or at least work enough hours to provide for myself. Will I have enough money to pay my health expenses and rent? Will my life as an employee allow me to have a social life? For the last three years, I have a tumultuous work life. After all, I haven't technically had a full 40-hours worth of work since June 12, 2006. I am afraid that I will go back to work and not be able to do it. I am afraid of failing.

What if the Lord throws a curve ball into my plans? He's done that a little bit in this last week. It's not a bad thing - in fact, it's a great thing - but suddenly I've lost the control I thought I had. I know that I am getting anxious when I start to look for jobs, as if grad school (particularly a full load this Fall) isn't enough. I'm trying to coach myself to stay the course, to keep doing what I'm doing, to pursue my health, to trust the Lord that He has my best interest at heart, that He will unfold this story just as it is supposed to. Most of all, I am reminding myself that He loves me, He loves me, He loves me.

A.