Ever Careful

Dear friends,

Quite often, when I go more than a few days without reflecting, without finding myself alone in a safe space, and, well, without just being, all my emotions boil over to the point where a good cry seems to be the only remedy. After a full and engaging week of contributions and surprises, I finally took some time to decompress this evening. A mere two seconds after sitting down to journal, I began to weep. There wasn't one particular thing I was crying about - I suppose it was a combination of recent life events. Yet, tears tend to flow easier when I realize that the thing I am crying over is part of something greater, particularly an unwanted theme carried throughout my life. And because I find it woven in my life's fabric, the solution seems incredibly out of reach.

Besides weeping, the only remedy that seems to work is to be honest with God. While usually difficult at first, once I just blurt out whatever is on my mind, the conversation stops being about me trying to manipulate Him (usually by giving Him ultimatums) and starts being about a real relationship shared between two person, both being true to his or her character, feelings, and place he or she is in now.

God listens. He listens because He has provided the space for us to come to Him. This space is called Jesus Christ, the Son made human (among other things) to exemplify all goodness in perfect relationship, such as gentleness, honesty, trustworthiness, boundary holding, unconditional love, and holiness. I am becoming more and more convinced that relationships go awry because we don't give each other the space to be free, to be ourselves, and to tell the truth - even when the truth is ugly. Personally, I know people whom do not feel safe to me, and when I happen to be in their presence, I recoil. Like clockwork. When this happens, there is little room for life-giving to occur - from either person.

While I was in the middle of weeping, I remembered 1 Peter 5:7, which, in the NASB (the Bible I regularly use), directs us "[to cast] all your anxiety on Him." I thought to myself, OK, Lord, I'm casting. Now what? Sometimes when I get stuck I like to go to other Bible versions, so I looked up the entire chapter in The Message. The end of verse 6-7 says this, "Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you." I didn't just need to know it was OK to cast my worries, but I also needed to know that my line can stay out in open water as long as it needs to be in order to set things right. I can set down the line to go play, attend to other things, or even cast another anxiety, and meanwhile, God is taking care of my worries, being ever so careful with me in the process. He knows me well enough to know how to approach my fears, misunderstandings, pain, and residue from my past. And He is such a gracious and merciful God that He will redeem these sins and sufferings in a way that I become a willing participant also.

I long for this kind of space to be found in my earthly relationships; I long to give others the same.

A.