Maybe, Actually, Always

Dear friends,

After a day like today, I am starting to think that productivity, work, and even contribution are just a bit of nonsense. See, I am the type who gets a little too anxious over things - months in advance. I joked with some friends the other day that if I ever got engaged, the wedding would be planned in a month. So as I begin to make the transition from living with relatives to living on my own, from not working to getting a paid job, and from exchanging one community for another, I realize that the move takes time, planning, and a little hard work. But the move also takes a lot of faith, patience, and hands wide open to the way life will actually unfold.

On a small scale, let's peek into what today looked like. Since I spent all last week juggling three different projects, I was feeling pretty tired. I decided the best remedy for the situation was to go find beauty.

So I went.

I decided to travel to the St. Johns neighborhood, which, to be honest, should just be it's own entity because it takes 100 minutes each way when traveling by bus from my house. Actually, St. Johns was its own municipality until 1915 when it decided to be annexed into Portland. St. Johns, however, never lost its core character. It boasts a few movie theaters, restaurants, banks, mom and pop stores, and a neighborhood grocery store - all within the downtown area.

But the best part about St. Johns is the bridge that swoops in out of nowhere to take you to, well, nowhere - if that's where you want to go. The second best part about St. Johns is what you can find underneath the Gothic-style bridge. Cathedral Park leads you from near the east end of the bridge all the way down to the Willamette River. It's certainly not the biggest park in Portland, but it arguably has the most character. From the lampposts to the 60s era-style amphitheater, Cathedral Park commands my attention every time.

I spent many minutes lying in the grass on the slope that overlooks the amphitheater, listening to the cars on the bridge whiz by, attempting to do the New York Times crossword (but being beaten back by Will Shortz's aptitude), and gazing at absolutely nothing. Because, for the most part, the entire park was mine. I expected more people, but only a few people walked by the entire time. I expected the park to be teeming with screaming kids, but the park was rather quiet - peaceful actually. I spent considerable time analyzing Forest Park's tree line, admiring the incredible amounts of blue space above that tree line, and even noticing that a few leaves on the trees are already turning shades. Meanwhile, my fatigue disappeared.

In this moment, I didn't care what time it was or the projects awaiting my attention back home or even that my stomach was growling. All I cared about was being fully present, fully aware, fully Anna. However life unfolds, I am a willing participant. The only request I have is for beauty to be found always.

A.