Ugly

Dear friends,

Adventures aren't always pretty. One minute I think I am experiencing a typical trip to the masseuse and chiropractor, and the next minute I am witnessing some of the filthiest human behavior.

That was just my experience Friday afternoon. I was sitting on the MAX reading my book when a man stepped on the train holding two pit bulls on leashes. This was his first offense. (I'd like to say his second offense was sitting across from me; I am indifferent to animals, especially ones that could go ballistic and start to gnaw on my exposed legs...see, that is where my mind goes.) Anyhow, the guy let his dogs lie in the aisle, which was his true second offense. For the next few stops, he made sure to talk quite loudly and slightly argumentatively to anyone who paid him any attention. I tried hard to ignore him, though I kept reading the sentence over and over. (That sentence was: "We read the world wrong and say that it deceives us.")

Halfway between Hollywood and Lloyd Center, the man suddenly stood up, dropped his leashes (offense number three), and walked a few steps over to a man standing up. I hadn't noticed the second guy until this. This man had his back towards me and seemed to be talking with another passenger. The first man walked up really close to the second guy and yelled at him to leave people alone. The second guy turned towards the first guy and pushed him away with his right hand. As he did so, he said something to the effect of, 'Leave me alone.' As soon as he spoke, it was apparent that he was mentally handicapped; he reminded me of Leonardo DiCaprio's character in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?"

The first guy continued to antagonize him, laughed at him, walked back to his seat, grabbed his leashes, and then yelled unconvincing statements to the rest of us that he had been assaulted. In so doing, the second guy (who was no more than 20 years old and obviously weaker both mentally and physically) then banged his head on a post and two doors, which scared all of us, including a group of mothers and their young children. Just then, the MAX pulled up to the stop and the second man (who was leaning against the doors) fell out onto the platform.

Hearing the commotion, the operator opened his door. It became apparent that the operator had called the transit police, so everyone would be waiting a while. The first guy then decided to walk out onto the platform to take a smoke. Meanwhile, the second guy picked himself up off the platform and walked up to the operator. Being that I was in the middle of the train, I couldn't hear what exactly was going on there. A few minutes passed and I began to speak with a few passengers lamenting on what just happened. We talked about how we couldn't believe the first guy did what he did for no apparent reason, and then, once it became quite clear the second guy was handicapped, acted so brazen and arrogant.

At that moment, I realized that I was one of a handful of passengers who happened to see this close-up (and maybe only one of a few who would leave her comfort zone), so I walked up to the operator to tell him I was a witness to this incident. He thanked me and told me to wait until the police arrived. The second guy was standing there trying to explain the situation. I turned to him and asked for his name.

"John," he said. (Note: I changed his name.)

"My name is Anna."

"Thank you, Anna. I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything."

He hugged me.

"I know, I know," I said calmly. "Why don't we sit down while we wait for the police."

Soon enough, the police arrived and asked for all voluntary witnesses to step off the train. I was the only one to do so. I gave my statement twice, once each to a rail supervisor and a transit police officer. John sat on the bench repeating, "I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything." The police mentioned that the first guy is known to be a nuisance. I gave my statements and information and then asked to get on the next train that was pulling up to the station. As I walked back on, John yelled out, "Thank you Anna!"

All told, the entire situation lasted about 12 minutes and I still showed up to my appointment on time. Yet, the entire situation just bummed me out. Sometimes people do things with no apparent warning or justifiable reason. To be honest, it scares me. I even entertained the thought that the first guy would go after me if he later saw me out and about. But I can see why I walked off the train to volunteer as a witness - I wish someone would have done that for me so long ago. Now, I am strong enough to give back, to contribute, to participate in the beautification and redemptive process.

A.

Note to Self

Dear friends,

Warning: Placing the hot Doug coil on top of an underwire bra may cause distress, redness, and the general feeling like you are on fire. Personal experience tonight confirms it. Fortunately, I am fine, save for a scorched ego.

A.

Here Comes the Sun

Hi everyone,

Portland is at its best right now. The sun feels warm on the skin, the sky is as blue as the Caribbean, and the flowers are in full bloom. And best of all, I'm getting a great tan. I'm not the kind of person to lie in the sun, but since I take the bus everywhere and walk a lot, it's not too difficult to turn brown, which, to be honest, is the color I thought I was until I stopped playing soccer. My bronzed look does get some help, though: antibiotics tend to make a person more susceptible to the sun. I am pretty sure this is the only upside to taking antibiotics (besides, of course, the bug murder).

To make my dermatologist content, the very least I do is sometimes apply SPF 30 sunscreen. I use a product called Badger, which has at least 60 percent organic ingredients. It's non-toxic and smells like lavender. Though I paid $16 for the 2.9 ounce bottle last August, it should last me through the summer quite easily because the lotion is very dense. A dab about the size of a pencil eraser is all I need to cover my face. The same goes for my arms and legs. In contrast, most sunscreens found in the store are quite runny, which causes me to use a lot.

The Vitamin D is having a positive impact on my psyche, too. I look great, I feel great, and I am planning for the future. Could this be?

A.

Physicology/Twenty-Four

Dear friends,

I am home and happy. I expected traveling for seven days would have made me incredibly tired, yet I am holding up pretty well. The worst thing I experienced was a slight headache while I was in class, but that seemed to go away as soon as I stepped outside or began to interact with other classmates. I had no problems walking or feeling weak, even after spending hours in a car. It is a unique feeling to get through a succession of long, taxiing days and come out feeling pretty good.

I suppose that's why I have been dreaming about and considering my future in about a year's time, if not earlier. I could see myself going in about three directions and now I am praying through them, waiting for the right time and the right door to open.

For now, I am concentrating on my summer classes, my travels, and the time I have now. Please pray along with me.

A.

Love at First Sight

Dear friends,

I am in love. We first met today in Seattle at the corner of Western and University, two blocks from Elliott Bay. It was a warm, sunny day, too, which was perfect for a first meeting. It wasn't, however, my first sight of T.S.; I first noticed T.S. a few months ago while I was browsing in Fred Meyer. Soon after, I emailed him to express my infatuation. His people responded with gratitude, though they were probably more creeped out than they really let on. Still, they remained gracious and invited me to come visit, so we set the date for today.

As I walked into the building, I immediately began searching the room for T.S. His people directed me towards the back of the room next to the large window. I rounded the corner and found him sitting there, staring back at me, beautifully tan, and solid-looking. The sight took my breath away. I can't believe we've finally met, I thought to myself.

I walked closer to T.S. and touched the back. I walked around him to admire his curves. And then I plopped myself down, laid back, and placed my feet on the footstool. Perfect arch, perfect firmness, just enough plushness.

'Til we meet again, Togo sofa. I will come back for you someday.

A.

An Honest Assessment

Dear friends,

This afternoon, my doctor confirmed great news: I'm getting better! My doctor said I'm looking really good and am responding very well to the medicine. He is encouraged that I'm starting to double up on my classes, too. The only thing is that he wants to do is a different treatment for my yeast infection/candida. I think this new treatment might do the trick since I have a friend who is having success with the same protocol.

What's interesting about this appointment compared to all the other ones is that my doctor's confidence was really a response to my energy and excitement. I am the expert, therefore I am responsible for communicating how I am feeling. And when I am honest - when we are all honest - everyone benefits, even when the news isn't so positive.

A few weeks ago, a friend told me she was encouraged by my honesty on this blog. I told her this was quite encouraging for me to hear, though I also admitted that I often regret what I post here. It's not easy telling people that I feel sad or that I have boy issues or that I just feel defeated from this long illness. Fortunately, that feeling of regret usually only lasts for an hour or so.

And then I move on.

Because this is the journey and my life just isn't that important. The Lord Jesus, this is His story living in me, through me. If I only wrote about the highs, you would have stopped reading a long time ago because it would be false and not true to who He is and what He is doing. Tomorrow morning, He will bring new lovingkindnesses and compassions to those spaces that most need it. He knows, He loves, He honors. He transforms ashes into beauty. This is not a trite thing. Because the most powerful, awesome Creator scandalously enters my space - whatever it looks like - and loves me by and by.

I am becoming.

A.

Anna the Explorer

Dear friends,

I love traveling. I love the challenge of learning a new place, new scenery, new people. I love turning on cruise control and cranking up the music, effectively transforming my car into a mini dance club every time I drive. I am currently sitting in a cupcake/coffee shop in West Seattle. I am sipping Jasmine tea, listening to some great music, and gazing at the mountains to the west and pedestrians crossing the intersection diagonally.

This week I am in Seattle for a few days and then will drive east to Spokane for a class and then drive back to Seattle for a night and then finally arrive home on Monday. The timing worked out to go to my doctor and my class in the same week. This also allows me to break up my drive because I am not sure I could handle a seven-hour drive from Spokane to Portland. And now that I think about it, this week's travel reminds me of the other ones I'm looking forward to this year: San Francisco, the Midwest, and maybe somewhere very south of the border.

As for this week, I'm looking forward to the adventures to be had, which I will write about as they come. Here's one hint: I will be meeting my current love for the first time.

Not working sure is a bitch.

A.

Space

Dear friends,

If I could choose one thing to rejuvenate my soul, it would be time spent with people, in relationship, sharing with one another, laughing together, and experiencing intimacy. I tend to feel better when I am in the presence of other people. It's not the conversation or the topic alone - I can have a conversation with someone over email - rather, it's the invitation of another into my space, and she or he doing the same, which creates wholeness.

As slow as life has been lately, I did find myself in some intriguing conversations in person. I've been spending significant time with two other Lymies who do the Doug coil treatments with me. We are all doing pretty well, which only challenges us towards better health. As each of us gets zapped, we talk about our favorite movies, the healthcare system, and general Lyme information. I would not be as well as I am without all the Lymies I've met thus far.

I also went to the monthly Lyme Disease support group meeting at Good Samaritan Hospital. Yesterday's meeting was quite engaging because a healthy mix of new, fairly new, and older participants attended. I love hearing other people's stories, especially those who have been newly diagnosed (even though many are ill for years prior), because we get a chance to inform and educate. Personally, I am discovering that I find my voice in these meetings. I suppose it has something to do with having experience leading other support groups, but I think it also has to do with the ability and desire to honestly share my own experience and knowledge in this journey. I know what other people are experiencing: the questions, the doubt, the hesitancy. After umpteen (incorrect) diagnoses, why should a person now believe Lyme is the correct diagnosis? The cost alone already scares people off. No one likes to pay $500 just to see a doctor who may or may not be able to help. So that's why we need each other, to encourage, to inform, to love.

People say that I am doing very well, and I try to take their word for it. (See, this is why I need people: to tell me that I look hot...) It's true that I look a lot better than I did a year ago, and I have more energy on a regular basis. I've lost weight and will probably lose more in the coming months. (More on that later.)

In many ways, becoming well is a mental obstacle. I liken it to sports. As important as skill and talent are, if a player doesn't push through the mental blockages, all that skill and talent will go to waste. For me, I know my tendency is to turn inward, to disappear. I start to allow the illness to define me and dictate what I do, where I go, who I see. Unfortunately, I also remove relationship, the best contribution to my health and well-being.

A.

Physicology/Twenty-Three

Hi everyone,

This week has been slow in more ways than I care to admit. For one, I did two Doug treatments with an assistance from the Rife Machine. (When I do the Doug and am still herxing, I do not run the Lyme codes on the Rife Machine.) Overall, I have been feeling achy and tired. The left side of my abdomen was hurting for several days this week, which was probably a reaction from the first Doug treatment this week. I think the abdomen pain indicates that I do, in fact, have candida in my gut. I have been aware of the candida for about six months or so, but until I felt the pain, I never really knew if it was in my gut or not.

Because I am in between classes right now, I have almost nothing to do besides the typical health stuff I do each week. So this week, my tendency was to just lie in bed and watch movies. I didn't show up to optional events. I took a few days to call people back. I turned my brain off for a few days. In a way, I disappeared.

Today was like most of the others. Though it was warm outside, I just didn't feel like doing anything, partly because I did a Doug treatment last night and was starting to herx. I did walk to a nearby park (two blocks away) to read and soak in some Vitamin D. Then some dear friends, Dave and Judy, came by to take me out to dinner. They let me choose the restaurant, so I picked The Observatory because it's close by and I've been wanting to see what it's all about since it opened a few months ago. We sat outside at a picnic table, watched two almost-car crashes, and caught up with each other. And the weather never turned cold.

After spending two hours talking, we decided to head to the restroom to check out the cool light fixture our waitress-friend recommended. As we headed out the door, Dave spotted a hot tubbing storefront across the street, so he dragged us in to get a tour of the place. I've seen this place hundreds of times but have never ever thought about going in. The guy working there showed us nearly every room in the place (I don't think it was too popular tonight - the weather may have something to do with it). I was expecting ugly, bare rooms with dirty hot tubs, but I was surprised to discover that most of the rooms were clean and fitted with interesting amenities, like cable TV. (The guy volunteered that he doesn't like to watch TV when he's hot tubbing. "Then what do you do?" I quipped.) One room was still under construction, but the guy showed us a demonstration of it. The room basically looked like a night club with a black ceiling, a 50-inch plasma screen TV, and hundreds of flickering fiber optic lights that would give anyone a seizure. Soon, our tour ended, Dave promised he would come back, and they drove me home.

I was just glad to have gotten out tonight (at night no less), eat good food, enjoy my friends in the warm weather, and learn about something I never would have before. I think God does hear me.

A.

The Moat to My Castle

Hi everyone,

As the skies detox from a long winter, enticing Spring's color to come out and play, I am in the process of doing a kind of detox of my own. The detox is more than just a physical one, though I happily admit that I have so much junk in my body that my body (thankfully) experiences a natural detox once, sometimes twice a day, depending on whether or not I drink coffee. The other kind of detox I am experiencing is more of an emotional one. I have had a lot of time available to me lately, and with time comes contemplation. I find that when I am more quiet and less witty, or more alone and less distracted, there are fewer things to laugh about. Because sin, grief, and sometimes just plain pity aren't all that funny.

I feel like the last four or five months are starting to catch up with me. I sense that I forgot to be in simultaneous process, like I just allowed life to whiz by without getting out of the car to reorient myself. I thought I was in New Mexico, but I'm probably closer to North Dakota. I guess I feel angry, too, but it's difficult to admit that out loud. Last week I walked past a Middle Eastern man and intentionally looked the other way.

******

A few days ago, I was standing at a bus stop and was thinking about a conversation I was having with some Refuge leaders about the tendency for people who have experienced trauma to hang onto their victimhood. They often think they are special and even exempt from certain, normal life experiences. And then I remembered a conversation I had last month with an older (married, platonic) man I had just met in a business meeting. (I will call him Jake.) This conversation follows one where I had just finished explaining to Jake why I don't work (because he asked):

Jake spoke. "Do you know what the (male) receptionist said to me when you arrived?"

"What?"

"That there was a really beautiful girl dressed way too nice for this place waiting for me."

I blushed.

"This is just a casual dress."

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

My eyes darted to the left.

"Uhh, no, I've decided that I don't want to date right now."

"Why do you keep your guard up?" Jake asked. His words stung a bit. "You don't have to do that. My wife and I will take you out to a bar sometime."

I smiled and politely thanked him. Thus far, I have not taken him up on his offer.

Sometimes I wonder if I own the illness, like it becomes the moat to my castle. Do I play victim? Do I consider myself to be special, or in other words, untouchable? I know that I often allow the illness to define my life, but where is the balance? Being ill with Lyme is unique. It's not like I broke my foot and can't walk on it for six weeks. From the minute I wake up, I take medicine; and to the minute I fall asleep, I spend all my energy trying to maintain and improve my health, so that I can do it all again the next day and the next. The thing is, it's not just the Lyme that's contributing to my feelings - it's everything in my past, too - so the illness has become just yet another reason. I probably have a few moats by now.

I suppose I am just trying to figure out what kinds of things I have allowed to surround and defeat me and then how much power I have at my disposal to overcome them all.

Anna

Sometimes

Dear friends,

Sometimes I wonder if I play victim: I wonder if I keep my guard up. I wonder if I live out of fear.

Sometimes I wonder if I am making the most of my time: I wonder that I could be doing more.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't traveled to Philadelphia: I wonder if I will always be ill. I wonder if I will be provided for.

And sometimes I wonder if God is with me: I wonder how He can say, "Your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering" (Mark 5:29). I wonder if faith could really do that.

Sometimes I wonder if He hears me.

A.

Pleasant Boredom

Dear friends,

Since finishing my fifth grad school class last week, things have slowed down to a snail's pace, hence the reason for not writing more. It's difficult to describe nothing. I know today is Mother's Day and most mothers (as well as the rest of the general population) would enjoy doing nothing...and you're all right. Doing nothing is pretty fantastic. I enjoy having few responsibilities, few stimuli, few distractions.

I love children - I love my nieces and nephew like my own - but I am so glad I don't have children. I know several people struggling with Lyme who have kids, which does nothing to help them get better. The most I can do is to babysit for a few hours. A few weeks ago I took Jazmyne, Jasmine and Augustine to the community pool where I spent three hours watching those kids like a hawk. I am the Fun Aunt, and I meant to keep it that way. (My mom was with us, but still...) The minute I got home, I took a two-hour nap, which I haven't done in a very long time. People without kids are not better than parents, but the peace and quiet makes recovery a lot more pleasant.

Anyway, the next week or two will be somewhat boring. I have treatments (the Rife twice a week and, as of the beginning of the month or so, the Doug twice a week), plus a massage, and then a day to chaperon Jazmyne's field trip to the zoo. That's it.

I am the first to laugh at how crazy this is, so go ahead and laugh at me, too. Laughter is better than sadness, which is something I often feel, too. I can only take so much of surfing the Internet or watching movies before I get lonely and start thinking wishfully, 'When I get well, I'm going to do such and such.'

In the meantime, I try to remind myself that this is God's present to me. Life is a complete 180 from the life I used to live for many years, many more than a 27-year-old should have had to. This is my time to rest, to invest, to play, to dream, to live stress-free, to become well. Will you join me, in your own, small way? Pleasant boredom shouldn't be so lonely.

A.
P.S. I keep forgetting to tell you that my mole turned out to be benign. The lab called two hours after I posted my story, so I promptly forgot about the whole thing. Sorry if I worried any of you.

15 8 13 10 11 8 13 8 13 6. 13 14 15 0 13 19 18 15 14 2 10 4 19 18. 18 14 12 8 18 18 19 4 17 8 14 20 18.

Dear friends,

I ate sardines tonight. My sister and brother-in-law's food can be a bit exotic, so I often ask what's in the food. But whether I felt that I should just be grateful for the food in front of me or because I felt especially certain that I knew what was on the pizza, I decided not to ask. It was not until I was doing the dishes and saw the can near the sink did I find out I had, in fact, eaten sardines.

As I stood there washing the dishes and thinking (because I do that a lot - the thinking I mean; the dishes I do three times a week and no more!), I realized that this is often what happens in my relationship with God. I do something without knowing it, and He brings me through it just fine. He is always present with me, already working things out ahead of me.

******

Three years ago next month, I began to experience the first symptoms of Lyme Disease. Three weeks in, having no idea what was going on but only knowing it was getting worse everyday, I told a friend that I had a feeling I was going to be on this road for a while. I really hoped I was wrong. Mostly, I felt afraid. Because the unknown is the unknown.

******

Have you ever drifted asleep while worrying about tomorrow? Maybe you have a big meeting at work or perhaps you have children who are in "a phase" or maybe you are suffering from some traumatic stuff from your past? Whatever is going on, whatever is in the past or in the future, fear is usually one of the things driving what you are experiencing now.

******

I was afraid. I hesitated to really take a hard look at the illness because I didn't want to set back my dreams, my hopes, my plans. I didn't want to lose my independence. I didn't want to spend my money on a bunch of medicine, supplements, and doctor appointments. I had better things, bigger things, my things.

******

Today I read one of the most fascinating journalistic pieces in a long time. This month's issue of "Wired" magazine is all about mystery. The magazine invited J. J. Abrams ("Lost", "Alias", the "Star Trek" sequel) to be the guest editor to guide an entire magazine to experience the paranormal, the unexplained, and the tricks our brains play on us. Not only does the magazine publish articles on Teller (the magician), America's own Stonehenge, and "the code even the CIA can't crack", it also publishes all kinds of puzzles and hidden messages. The magazine is probably doing a number on a bunch of nerds in chat rooms right now.

******

When I was young, I had a love-hate relationship with the TV show "Unsolved Mysteries." I would watch the show peeking through the holes of a crocheted blanket.

******

One of the most popular questions people ask Abrams is about the ending to his shows and movies. He laments, "[T]he real damage isn't so much that the secret gets out. It's that the experience is destroyed. The illusion is diminished. Which may not matter to some. But then what's the point of actually seeing that movie or episode?"

The reasons for the journey do not matter. What matters is that you experience the journey in full by being fully present, fully aware, and fully trusting that there is a God who is already there, already here.

A.

Pride & Lyme

Dear friends,

I was only going to walk over to my brother's house. He and his family live a few blocks away, so I like to spend some quality time with them once or twice a week. They told me they would be home, so I didn't bother calling. I also didn't bother bringing an umbrella. It was sort of raining, but I had confidence that I could make it to their house without one. Three houses into my journey, it began to rain steadily. I walked faster. The rain fell harder. I started to fast walk. The rain began to pour. I ran.

******

I haven't actually run or done any kind of exercise for more than a year because exercise and Lyme don't mix much. The ironic thing is that, for the most part, somebody with Lyme can feel just fine during exercise. The problems begin when you stop.

******

The rain was coming down hard as I reached their door. I was huffing and puffing. I knocked on the door and got no answer. I rang the doorbell. No answer. To shield myself from the waterfalls of rain falling from their gutters, I positioned myself in between their screen door and their brand, new front door. Then I called Stephen and found out they were at a nearby store. He said he would come pick me up. I started to feel dizzy and think I said "OK" before sliding down their new door to sit on the doorstop. I was sure Stephen would come home to find me passed out in front of his house. I forced myself to drink some water and put my head between my legs.

By the time Stephen arrived, as if on cue, the dizziness and fatigue mysteriously disappeared, and all that remained were my soaked jeans and wounded pride. Damn Lyme.

A.

Physicology/Twenty-Two

Hi everyone,

I can explain why I haven't written in more than a week. I've been very busy with writing a grad paper, a paper that was four times as long as I ever expected (i.e., 20,000 pages or 83 pages long). I spent at least five whole days writing the paper and many more hours in the last month doing interviews and research. I might as well have a job. Consequently, any other writing fell by the wayside.

Actually, I've been done with it two days now and I'm still very tired. Today I mostly vegged out, did a bit more school work (fortunately, this class finishes this week), and took a walk down by the river. Rain was spitting down on me - it felt like a sprinkler on a warm day. I walked down to the river's edge on one of the moors that jut out in the Willamette. I looked to my left at the Hawthorne Bridge, which seemed larger today than other days, then I looked to the right to watch two dragon boats glide by me. This is my place, my refuge, to get away from it all, to not do, to just be, even if there's little energy left in me right now.

A.